The End of Faith

I concluded my previous post by saying that the fervor and detailed calculation with which I approached Christianity in my life was the chief factoring in initiating my transition into atheism.

I would say I've always been a logical person, attempting to make sense of the world, and incessantly concerned with how I affect it. As I matured as a teenager my scrupulous mindset in coordination with Christianity caused me to begin to define everything in my life through the lens of religion.

The impetus for my motivation in this pursuit lay primarily in a youth group trip I took to Chicago one summer, around the general beginning of my 'spiritual maturation' process. We spent a week in the city, and more or less took part in what I would characterize now as positive, revitalizing and refreshing tasks. We rode public transit or walked to wherever we would go, ate at local markets, spent a great deal of time in personal reflection and meditation, practiced yoga in the mornings, and participated in various community service and volunteer projects around the city- all the while throughly enjoying the enlivening company of our friends, whom we all became very close to during and after that week. Generally, I would say our lifestyles that week reflect a simply good life: A life characterized by the embrace of the many qualities that makes us human. For instance it is beyond rejuvenating and exciting to eat fresh fruit bought from local vendors and help out other people through volunteering without an expectation of return. In a general sense these are all simply life-giving activities, activities I believe everyone at some level should be involved in.

Now, needless to say, accompanied with our pursuits that week came a vast happiness and enjoyment of life. Unfortunately but understandably I equated this newfound happiness with God, and reasoned that all of our habits that week were somehow linked with the way I was supposed to live if I was a follower of Jesus. And for a good year and half I pursued that, with nearly no luck.

After we returned from Chicago I fruitlessly strove to reacquire the delight I had found in there, and ceaselessly conversed with God about how I was supposed to go about this. So for the next two years, I unquestionably believed that there was a way for me to somehow merge my teenage life, all of my emotions and feelings and my school life and family life seamlessly into a network of good will. I subsequently believed that if I could achieve what I understand now as a purely idealistic lifestyle, I would become happy. Note grave mistake number 1: Expecting happiness as a result of my actions.

So time passed on, and yes I was completely unsuccessful in achieving my quixotic lifestyle. However, the primary method I used to analyze my success happened to be logic. Perhaps all my thoughts were grouped in a 'conversation' with God, but more or less the rules of reason and logic defined that conversation rather than uncertainty and faith. My faith was in the authenticity of the life I was trying to led. The reason and logic led me to attempt to change a situation in my life that was directly affecting me and causing me great harm and despair. Similarly to how many Christians feel the need to proselytize themselves I felt the pull to attempt to conciliate what I perceived as completely unjust situations in my life, with the anticipation that doing so would help to achieve the fanciful life I imagined.

Thus I ventured at remedying this situation to absolutely no avail except my own demise. I was nearly completely unsuccessful. The significance of this failure here is that I fully expected to succeed because I blindly believed God had the intention of setting the world right, and I was certain that the situations I was endeavoring to remedy would fit right in with that plan of his. Thus, when the tangible realities of both collapsed down upon me, their correspondingly symbolic and emotional counterparts also disintegrated. In such a manner, without even knowing it, my faith in God simply disappearing, and gradually I begin to realize I no longer believed in God.

At least in my story, that process is the most important, because it was no analysis of the plausibility of God or anything of that nature that brought about my atheism, but instead the breakdown of the mental realities I had constructed to sustain God. In that context I find my definition of belief: A mental framework established subconsciously of some thought or ideal that does more to self assure oneself of our one's security rather than actually identify any truth in the world.

Anyhow, so when the external implications of my belief in God, as I had defined them, were lost, my internal beliefs were lost with them. And like I said, I slowly realized that I simply didn't, just didn't, believe in God any more. And that was that, there was indeed no turning back. Then till now as been a slow progression towards a deeper interaction with reality, a stronger yearning to experience truth, and a much more poignant perception of my responsibility as a human in this world. Then till now I 'm still learning.

Stories from the Cocoon

I have yet to devote any posting material to the subject of how I actually became an atheist, and I find here and now a good place to start. So I begin with who I was before.

I was raised as a Christian, and have only really attended two different churches in my lifetime. It is important to note that neither of these churches had any association with the purely dogmatic, stereotypical understanding of a church in a modern sense, and I still respect that veracity of some of the things they preached.

The existence of God was always an immutable concept in my mind, a quality of reality that was gradually built into my perception and conscience. I would say that the initial institution of this belief as a child is an awful thing, for what does a child know but what his parents and the world tells him? At that age it is as easy to accept the existence of God as it is to accept the existence of Santa Claus. Fortunately, that metaphor holds true to on the back end as it does on the front end.

I digress. As I developed my own thoughts and opinions, and began to interact within this world, the preestablished notion of an 'all powerful being' worked its way throughout my head and logic. The patterns I utilized to make sense of various happenings as well as more permanent ones were infused with the likelihood that a God was acting and moving within all of it, with some perceivable purpose. Anything that was to occur, my mind- the subtle thought process that would begin to analyze i- would include God into the equation of comprehension. Whether it was why I had missed a goal in a soccer game or how I ended up with such an ignorant mother, it was all the same- God always found some place in it. The gentle voice inside my head that would narrate my life became a conversation with God in many senses, perpetually asking questions in the direction of a supernatural being with the expectation of somehow accruing an epiphany from it. Come to think of it, ultimately I had no belief in God that wasn't inspired by natural events that I had associated with the existence of God. The strange way in which we can easily reassure ourselves of some internalized notion that makes our lives easier is very frightening in the context of belief in God.

Many people hope for certain dreams, little and big, and imagine that were these dreams to come true many of the problems they experience in their lives would disappear. In fact, perhaps the source of false dreams like "as soon as I can get this particular job such and such problem would be gone" lies within a human tendency towards escapism and avoiding the reality of life. It is inconceivably easier to drop all of the real responsibility of our lives into the lap of some omnipotent being with the expectation that all is either in control or will be well. Antithetically, abandoning God does not led towards apathy, but instead towards a heightened sense of accountability, and in my opinion and much more connected perspective with the world and people around us.

So I grew up as a child and eventually a teenager and integrated God deeply within my subconscious. The nefarious dearth of reason that resulted grew to the extent that at one point I firmly believed that a few important decisions I made were acutely intertwined with some halcyon paradise God had in store for me. In retrospect these decisions were foolish to a degree I could not foresee on the front end, and I deeply regret them now.

Essentially, God had become an irrevocable part of me. The best explanation of this relationship is that God was an attribute, and abutment, to my conscience, my internal thinking mechanism. God was controlled by me, influenced by the capricious fate that guided my life, and subject to the vacillating attitudes pressed upon me by the church I attended. Prayer was something that I believed would make me into a better person, prayer at least in the context of meditation, however was always limited to my expectation of visceral nirvana, and never inspired by necessity but rather by belied obligation.

I would say that altogether humans are silly creatures, with immense capabilities but great predilections towards ignorance and stupidity. Religion is the vice that takes hold of the gullible heart at an early age and warps it into something unrecognizable. Indeed, the forces that work against enlightenment are not limited to religion, instead they consist of the full gamut of natural human responses and instincts intended to avoid problems. Instead, the common favor of religion in humans is best described as an innate behavior intended to shield individuals from reality. Within this esoteric mess of ideas, belief, or at least the belief one has a belief, can be most virulent. For belief, I leave another post.

So, albeit my lack of details, I arrive to my earlier teenager years with a strong reliance on and relationship with God . And in a 'To Be Continued' sense I will say that paradoxically the strength with which I believed in God as well as my dependency of the authenticity of what I learned at church, almost directly caused my renunciation of faith.

"Jesus Loves You"

Incidentally, despite my atheist beliefs, I continue to attend church. This is due to three primary reasons: (1) I have been an atheist for barely over a year, and still have many dear friends that I would only see at church. (2) If I chose to openly disclose my atheism I would be confronted with a lot of bothersome social baggage that I would rather avoid at this point in my life. (3) It also so happens that the church I attend is, at least as far as I can tell, one of the closest replicas of how I believe Christian church is supposed to be. There are no abusive priests, sermons about the dangers of hellfire and sin, and more or less the church clergy and members are more concerned with altruism than the unceremonious bigotry and guile of stereotypical churches these days. I wish to avoid sounding ostentatious or conceited when I say that, but it is true that the 'maturity' -if you will- of the particular church I attend spares me of being disgusted or angry whenever I am there.

So, that being said, I attended the Christmas services held at my church very recently. Something particular caught my attention during one of these services, something that I had never observed before. One of the priests, after serving the children or teenagers communion at the front of the church, would say the usual line "the blood of Christ, blah blah blah," but then followed it by "Jesus Loves You." Now, although such a statement may seem perfectly normal, it certainly was not something I was expecting. Additionally-it might have only been my individual perception- but I could swear that I noted a slight tinge of uncertainty and hesitation in his voice as he said it. Perhaps this was due to the fact that it is certainly an odd thing to say to someone, that Jesus loves them, not that I doubt his personal conviction of the words he spoke, but simply that it caught my attention. It was certainly an uncommon and interesting experience for me.

Now, beyond the superficial matters of that anecdote, it was even stranger to me why the priest would feel obligated to make such a statement. Saying "Jesus loves you" in my opinion implies that the recipient of such a comment is in some way in need of encouragement, or is perceived to be in a time of ambiguity or confusion in his or her life and requires advice. Perhaps, considering the season, the priest intended it as a reminder or some sort, but it stills seemed to me then and especially now upon reflection an awkward and obscure thing to say, at least in the setting I encountered it in.

Anyway just some thought.

Separation of Church and State

Mike Huckabee has appeared in recent news due to his involvement with churches during the Christmas season. I do not intend to insult or judge Mr. Huckabee, only to use these incidents as case studies for what I feel one should not do in politics: combine belief and
diplomacy.

To begin with, in what has been dubbed a largely Christian Nation, any politician should be aware that openly declaring his or her support or belief in Christianity carries with it prolific societal implications and associations. Despite the ostensible excuse of “reminding people there’s a time for political things and this is not one of them,” by declaring "Merry Christmas! Jesus is Lord!” as a politician one inextricably links his or her campaign with religion. It is impossible to justify such actions with the defense that there is a time for politics and there is a time for religion, for although this is true, a politician breaks this pact when he or she stands in front of 5,500 people and asserts his or her faith or belief. Such an act bonds ones' political and religious character together, creating many unnecessary and unhelpful results.

Although one's decisions as a lawmaker may not be affected by publicly declaring one's beliefs or not-that is to say an individual's strong faith would cause them to make certain decisions regardless of whether or not they use their faith as a political tool- publicly associating oneself with a particular religion does nothing but ostracize some potential voters and cheaply persuade others. The point here is that there is no way to include religion in politics that would not play in some way to the interest or disinterest of the candidate, and because religion is such a personal, and in many cases arbitrary predicament, politicians should sidestep involvement in such ignobly sleazy tactics.

Clearly, despite outwardly professing that one is "not here to make a political statement or deliver a political message," by simply appearing and speaking at a church one gains the support of the "evangelical community" eager to "hear something good about a candidate from someone they trust through a religious network." The full effects of Mr. Huckabee's political strategies can be found here.

A candidate who understands the particular distinction between church and state will have my vote, unfortunately in our world religion has become much more of a tool used to manipulate citizen's opinions rather than a practice of a self fulfilling life which benefits others. For if one was to truly understand the concept of benefiting others they would put as much distance between public relations and religious affiliations as possible.

MegaConsumerism

So I came across this website about mega churches which I found particularly disturbing. Now, the homepage of this website apparently offered a "Mega Gas Cards" to first time church visitors advertised by the slogan: "Fill your spirit and help fill your tank."

Environmental implications aside, why would a church attempt to draw in new members by offering them materialistic compensation in this way, doesn't the bible teach to store your treasures up in heaven. And on a larger scale, someone attending a church because it was advantageous to him or herself to do so do is about as meaningful as a passing grade on a test someone cheated on in order to acquire.

Something so valuable as one's salvation should not be trivially bartered with monetary rewards, especially in this case were the reward is an awful manifestation of American Consumerism which cripples the environment, God's wonderful Creation, which Christian supposedly prize most dearly. Moreover, the validity of religion becomes highly questionable when its' actions imply a greater value on quantity rather than quality, another reason why God being real or not, religion as an official institution seems doomed to fail inevitably.

Universal Precedence

Here's a nice thought I've had, which will probably receive a much larger post at a later time.

To begin I should say I was primarily 'deconverted' if you will, not by reason or science, but by my feelings and emotion (this is also a longer story). Now, if I was offered sufficient evidence that God did exist, I would not change my beliefs, for I still contend that belief is not a choice that is made. But I would also have no fear or apprehensive, especially about dying. This is due to the fact that our world, especially nature, exhibits such abundant beauty (not to say it also beholds the worst of evils at times), that, if it was created by a God, such a God could never intend 'eternal torture and damnation' in his plan for humanity. In fact He would be much more concerned with humanity doing as He willed rather than what He should do with humanity when they don't.

For this reason I would be little perturbed if somehow the existence of God was proven to me, for I aspire to live as graciously toward my fellow man as possible. Ironically, many of the actions and choices I held dear as a Christian I still hold dear now. These choices simply contain much more meaning and value now, rather than adding to a growing web of foolishness and confusion as the did before.

Thus, I would propose that in the face of belief in God or not, compassion and kindness, tolerance and empathy, love and sincerity, basicly general qualities of benevolence easily supersede any other absolute. I would say that these qualities contain a certain condition of transcendence that one's ability to achieve them is far more important than what one believes, says, or thinks.

Indeed, some of the occasions I have felt most alive have been times of closer friendship, or in the presence of particularly beautiful and humbling scenes of nature.

Most importantly, I would say that this assertion is valid regardless of God, equally true with or without, and if many theists and religions could understand this concept rather than focusing on the superficial expression of 'belief alone=salvation' than this world might become a little bit better of a place to live in.

And what greater goal could any human have, at any point in time?

avant-garde Axioms

So, I shall begin this blog with a description of my personal beliefs, because although I consider myself an atheist I feel that some of my thoughts concerning religion and humanity differ from the general perception of atheism.

In the majority of my history I was a Christian, and for the meaningful part of that existence I felt as if my life and decisions were significantly impacted by my relationship with God. Interestingly enough, I was led to atheism as I pursued this relationship's implications further and further. I never considered myself to have a great deal of faith, and greatly dislike the concept of "Christ as your personal Savior that you must only accept into your heart." Then and now I fervently maintain that one's action's should align with one's beliefs, if not, both are void of meaning. My own atheism is a consequence of the above statement, however that is a much longer story not fit for here.

Now, in regard for belief in God, a universal being, or a deity of any sort, I feel that all humans have a natural desire to avoid the true reality of the world in which they live. If this means explaining lightening as thunderbolts from an angry Zeus, or interpreting an abundance of rain as a sign of God's contentment, it matters not. I have come to this conclusion because when I believed in God, especially in retrospect, it seems to me that God was no more than an augmentation or addition to my conscience. Of course my initial acceptance of God's existence originated from my early upbringings, but later in life as I began to engage with God, I subconsciously formed an idea of what God wanted, what his plan was, and how I should live, based off a interpretation of the events surrounding my life and what I knew and was learning of God and religion at the time. Simply put, the events in my life were not really attributed to God, but only associated with God because I choose them to be.

In this way, God was more of a supplement to my being as was my imagination, my conscience, my selfishness, my desires, and my compassion. Belief in God is perhaps a distortion of genuine emotions because it restricts one from certain actions. For instance I made many incorrigible mistakes because I believed at one time that dating would conflict with what I felt my life in the context of Christianity should become.

Clearly belief in God affects actions: personal spirituality however is more or less inherently logical, at least to some extent- it is that very logic that brought me, as I strove closer and closer to God, to realize that He is mostly likely not there at all- the problem arises when the innate tendency to accredit meaning to coincidence, to allot our lives with meaning, meets community, forming standardized doctrine and official Religion. It is here that one finds atrocities such as the Holocaust, the Crusades, South African Apartheid, or any other indoctrinated bloodshed, in vividly prophetic context.

My point is to say that the concept of God is no more a result of human nature as the remainder of one's personality. It is foolish to think that believing anything can cause any change after one's death, in fact I would say that one who truly believes something would never need to mention their belief in it for their actions would be so inextricably bound with their thoughts that there would be no need for them to justify themselves. Religion is a result of the human emotions of fear and foolishness.

Thus result statements like this one, uttered by a completely moronic teacher I once had, "The way I see it, I might as well believe in God and do all that stuff, because... what is there to lose, either after I die and there is nothing, or after I die I get into heaven. Besides, I have nothing to lose by just 'believing.'" This statement is so devoid of logic and reason that it makes me sick to think of it.

Anyhow, there's a bit to think about. Cheers.